Honestly, I thought by now I would have written billions of entries as I supposedly have more free time than I did in the past...not true...not sure where the time goes. Regardless, I'm here today--writing. In fact, I have probably written more, poetry wise, in the last few months than I have in my whole life, but somehow it never makes it to the computer.
Okay, I'm just going to cut to the chase. I've been thinking a lot lately about waiting. In fact when I was in Mexico I ended up reading a whole book about it by Sue Monk Kidd. I've also been thinking about fear and how it completely paralyzes me sometimes. How are these things connected? Just hang in there, let me get my thoughts out.
Last night I woke up just before 4am and didn't fall back to sleep until sometime after 4:53am (specific I know, that's the last time I saw the clock). Generally I wake up at least once in the night, but lately I just fall right back to sleep. NOT the case last night. For the first twenty minutes or so, I promptly attempted to solve all of the problems in my life, those around me and the world. I almost got up and painted, I even contemplated making coffee and sitting on the deck until the sun came up. But something made me stay. Eventually at some point the thought entered my brain that maybe I wasn't awake to solve all the world's problems, or to paint, or read, but that maybe God wanted me to pray, or learn something. As I began to quiet my mind and make room to listen to Him. I asked Him why I was awake and who needed prayer....Got to love the assumptions. Instead, He said, "I want you to just lay still and wait". Are you freaking kidding me!!! I couldn't learn how to wait and be still during the day hours, no it has to be at 4:31am! He didn't really say much else other than "shhhhh". Eventually I fell asleep, my soul quiet and calm.
It wasn't until this morning that I began to put the connections together. As I was sitting on the deck drinking coffee I read this, from Come Away My Beloved: "Do not curb the impulses of the Spirit within you, nor refuse to allow Me the freedom to manifest Myself through you by means of gifts. You may resist Me because you feel unworthy or unready to be used. This is a delusion of the mind. I do not use you when you feel prepared, but when I need you and you are yielded."
Lately I've been feeling plagued by fears. At times they immobilize me from using my gifts, I get stuck and I can't move. I constantly feel unworthy and unprepared and not knowledgeable enough. But here is where the waiting comes in. In the waiting we learn to yield, to surrender. And it is as we surrender that God can do His most holy and miraculous work. Because the work is no longer contingent on our gifts, our worth, or our knowledge, rather, it is contingent on the power of God and the love of His Spirit. So maybe instead of using all of my energy to become better at things or hone my gifts more, I need to spend more time waiting and yielding to God, so that His kingdom can come in more. And it is as I yield and wait that my fears vanish and I become more okay with the fact that I'm not even close to enough and never will be. Therefore, I can take risks because regardless of the outcomes I know that He will always relentlessly pursue me until He finds me, recklessly untangled all of the lies that surround my mind, and patiently and continuously invite me into rest and safety with Him.
That being said, here is a poem I wrote about fear. Please read it with loving ears:
FEAR
Fear...how it destroys
beckoning in with its flashy white smile
how easy it is to believe your carefully crafted statements
but you only bring destruction.
Fear...you limit me
you clip my wings so I can't fly
and I let you....willingly, I let you
Love come...come heal my wounded wings
Give me flying lessons that I may soar with no limit
that I may transcend all that my eyes see
Fear...you sneaky bastard...yes that is exactly what you are
full of half truths and twisted words
nothing half is ever whole
Love come.... make the half places whole
wash them, heal them
bring us into truth, bring us into the light
bring us recklessly and thoroughly out of fear and into you
Fear...you tricky illusion of control
there is no victory for you
For I am my beloved's and He is mine
And He is faithful, yes always faithful
to come and find me and bring me back to him,
away and out of your entangling, immobilizing lies
And where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom.
