I'm numb. Acedia is eating me alive. I allow the hot flow of water to fall across my body. Prayer candles are lit begging for answers, I swaddle myself in a cocoon of blankets...but still the tears won't come. Acedia is eating me alive.
I feel nothing, no pain, no joy, just indifferent. I feel uncomfortable and out of place in my own skin. Me the girl who cares about every single freaking little thing, who has an opinion or a feeling towards every idea under the sun, doesn't care.
My soul feels dead, white, empty. My wounds seem to grow more and more vast each moment of my life. How is there a balm to heal all this pain? How is there a love so faithful to dispel all this fear?
I attempt to climb out of my pit, I would rather feel pain than nothing, but I only slide back down, down further than I was before.
Silently You request me to lie still. You lead me to quiet waters, and make me rest. With Your eyes you tell me to stop trying, and to lay there in all of my brokenness and wounds, just lay there. My eyes plead at You to rescue me, to not leave me here, my fears are raging full force and my voice seems to be broken, my eyes are all I have. Rescue me.
Quietly you lay down beside me. We stare at the stars and the vastness of all that You've made. "let me tell you, little one, the story of how I made the earth and everything in it, just listen and stare".
And so I listen, I listen like a child, with all the wonder of the story, all the silly things that were made, and all the seriousness of humanity. You will be faithful to me, in this moment I am sure of that.
"Re-awaken my soul by the grace of Your love".
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