I came here yesterday and started writing. My thoughts just feel so disorganized and unrelated, but I know they are intrinsically connected, I just haven't made the connection yet. So here we go again. I'll sit, I'll try, I'll see what comes out.
I haven't gotten around to reading my liturgy yet, and at church we listened to children belt out their thanks to God, and drum their drums so we didn't light a candle...with all that being said, maybe the candle in my heart should be lit for grace, but instead I light it for love.
Not for the skipping around the room, butterflies in your stomach kind of love, but for the deep rooted love that somehow continues to keep on loving in the face of the chaos and mess of this world. The kind of love that came in all swaddled up in cloths, the kind of love that no one minus a little stable seemed to have room for. The kind of love that chose to leave the comfort of heaven, to leave the comfort of the womb and break into our messy, cold and unwelcoming earth. The love that offers me grace upon grace. That calls me back every time I run away. The love that makes me lie down, it makes me be still. Its the love that changes everything. It changes all of my paradigms, all of my systems, all of my natural inclinations. It changes me...but only as much as I will receive it. Like water slowly eroding the rough edges of a rock.
I've had some funny encounters with the little drummer boy song this year. To be honest I've never really given much thought to the lyrics. So one evening while baking cookies a friend and I paraded and danced around the house with marching wooden spoons in hand...only to be caught by some friends walking in at the front door...so much laughter, it was wonderful. And then this past Sunday at church the service started off in the dark to the drummer boy. A group of boys dressed in black just drummed their hearts out. And as the drumming built the lyrics appeared on the screen...."I have no gift to offer him...parumpapapum, that's fit to give a king parumpapapum". And slowly the tears fill my eyes. And the desire to give Him something in return for His unfailing love and all that He has given me is so strong. But even stronger is the realization that I have nothing to give Him. And an overwhelming sadness mixed with joy fills my heart...because all is grace. I am deeply indebted to Him and feel so completely and utterly unworthy. I don't even want to make eye contact because how I can I ever repay such generosity and grace. "But I have nothing to give you" I mutter. and He laughs at me and says "I know, let's dance". And my mind struggles to comprehend this kind of love, it feels too good to be true. And I feel myself receive more of Him and more of His love as I acknowledge once again that all is grace. And I reflect on my previous experience of parading around the house in giggles, wooden spoons held high in the air. And my heart is full because it feels that thanksgiving and dancing is the only appropriate response to this kind of love.
And so I pray to be overwhelmed once again by His love, that is so reckless and insistent and I pray that He would grant us the grace to receive more of Him this Christmas season. Let love break in.
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