It's been a week since Ash Wednesday, the start of lent. And as quickly as we wash the ashes from our foreheads we forget the promises we made to God, we forget and do the thing we promised not to. I have a two liturgies I'm following and I've been so tired lately that I've fallen asleep reading them. And I think about the disciples who were told to "watch and pray" and how they fell asleep too. And part of me takes comfort in that fact and another part of me is disturbed because I should have learned from them. And really all I'm doing is reading two pages, not staying awake in a garden to pray. And this is where grace comes in because He knows we can't. He knows that however many times we promise to stay awake and pray or read we will fall asleep. Because we can't do it. Not by our power or our strength.
And I think about how I like to control everything, even lent. And this morning I sit and read Zechariah and I hear the words from 4:6b: "This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit, says the Lord of Hosts." And I think of Elijah in 1 Kings 19. About how God was not in the wind, or the earthquake or fire but how He was in the sound of the whisper. And I think of how I turn to the loud events of my life and look for God but how He is quietly there speaking through His spirit, continuously inviting me in.
I think of how I'm almost at 1000 on my thankfulness list. And how as I get closer I want to conquer it more. And I think about hitting 5000 and then 10'000. And all of a sudden its not about becoming awake to God its about the numbers. And I hear Him say to me, "no more numbers, you have to let go of the numbers". And my heart is crushed. "What about my thankfulness party?" What about me being encouraged by the numbers, to see how far I've come?" But its not about the numbers. And I think of how my one brother always tells me that real math doesn't even involve numbers. I think about how I don't like that because it scares me. It changes what I know. And how I can't control it. And I think about how real thankfulness doesn't have numbers. And so I write my thanks and I will have my thankfulness party when lent is done. And I choose to enter in and see all that He has lavished upon me. And I think of how often I hear that word. Of how at least three or four times a week a stranger will use the word "lavish". And I think of how odd that is, because who uses that word in everyday life anyway? But its my God given theme for the year. And so I guess I shouldn't really be surprised that I hear it so often or that people pray it over me like last night, without even knowing what they are saying. And I feel blessed beyond reason.
And so I open my hands....I let go of the numbers, I let go of people, of situations I can't control, of my life. And I receive. I receive my manna, my "what is it?" and I offer up my thanks. And I lite my candle and I pray for people I don't feel like praying for, because I have been given much, because I have been lavished upon, and because while I was still enemies with Christ He died for me. And because it's not by my strength, or wind or earthquakes but by His Spirit. And so I can. Because like we sing on Sunday mornings with our hearts bursting out of our chests: "the Spirit of Christ is inside of me and He's alive, the old is gone and the new has come, He's alive, He's alive". And so I can.
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